As I approach my 45th year, my journey so far.
We all have a story, a journey through which we have found ourselves exactly where we are in this moment in time. We’ve made choices, some good and some not so good and at each moment of our lives we’re sitting on the apex of our life choices up until that point.
One of my favourite reminders to myself when I’m feeling frustrated about things happening in my life is that “my current situation is a result of past actions and is not reflective of what I know or who I am right now”. This is such a powerful reminder to step into desire in a way that honours the past from a place of compassion and love while also orienting myself toward my present awareness and understanding.
I’m sure we’ve all said this before, “I wish I’d started practicing yoga sooner” or “I wish I had learned about (fill in the blank) when I was younger”.
I think about this a lot when I find myself hesitating to step toward my desires. When I feel myself contracting or making excuses for not doing something I really know I want to do, I imagine myself on the other end of that fear.
Then there are things that arrive on your path as though they were placed there strategically. Even just a smidge of awareness would allow you to notice these things. Maybe it’s a job opportunity, or a new idea. You have that feeling like you just know you’ve got to say yes, and in those moments there’s not a lot of hesitation or fear.
These are my reflections as I’m sitting here writing this post. I’m considering where I am right now - feeling into all of the good things in my life and pondering all the things that I feel unhappy with.
It’s been a journey to get here and when I was listening to an interview with Lucinda Williams on CBC radio the other day, I realized that my journey was exactly what it was meant to be. I often find myself regretting not doing more when I was younger - not travelling more, not studying more, not discovering yoga or mediation earlier. This year is my halfway to 90 celebrations (thanks to my good friend Andrea Fafard for that amazing reframe on turning 45) and while I could lament on how I feel like I should be more successful, more enlightned, and more financially secure at this point in my life, I’m also taking great comfort in knowing that Lucinda Williams didn’t have her first successes as a musician until she was 45. Listening to her music, and it’s depth and genius reminds me that this was her divine timing. The life experience expressed in her lyrics offers something that she probably wouldn’t have been able to share before it was “Right in time”.
So here I am. Approaching my 45th year and about to launch into my own Lucinda William’s moment. I’m starting a new career coaching women to embrace their sexual wholeness while also continuing to grow and build yoga community in Saskatchewan.
All of the choices I’ve made up to this point have led me here. The ones that felt easy. The ones that felt scary and the ones that I shouldn’t have made but did.
They all inform the divine timing of my life and how I embrace success in my 45th year:
When I first heard the word, feminism.
My first solstice celebration with my parents and their “hippy” friends (I’ve been seeking a solstice experince as magical as that one ever since…)
My first boyfriend (what the fuck was I thinking??)
My first sexual experience (this is supposed to feel good??)
When I realized that the world was not just, and that activism was a thing.
The first peace rally I participated in (it was my idea, kumbaya in the school lobby at Olds High School in 1990)
The “Green Club” in high school… hours and hours sorting the paper for recycling. (reading back, this reads like we were just smoking weed… but really, we actually had a Green Club AND we sorted paper, I wasn’t as cool as you might have imagined me to be in high school…)
First year in residence in University… enough said.
My first Women’s Studies class and 5 years later graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in Women’s Studies.
Realizing that I was pre orgasmic (oh! nobody taught us about women’s orgasms in school, what the heck?!!!) and that I so desperately wanted to be orgasmic.
The sobering moment of realizing I was pregnant with my first baby. And, things turned around.
Then, I found the yoga.
I think discovering yoga was a fundamental shift in my life. It awakened me to a new way of understanding the world, my body, and my emotions.
Opening my yoga studio. Monumental.
My first yoga teacher training offering.
The Jade Egg.
My first orgasm (without a vibrator… first orgasm was a couple years prior)
The email announcing the Sex, Love + Relationship Coaching program.
Diving fully in.
Mexico + Jade Egg transmission, profound breathwork and Tantric Initiation + Rituals with Layla Martin
Failing my first launch.
Creating Queen City Yoga.
Creating Wild + Divine.
As I take a thread and needle in my mind’s eye and begin to weave it in and through my experiences I am seeing that it’s all in divine timing. My unique experiences, my fears, my failures, my successes have all made me into the teacher, coach and guide that I am today.
I’m not interested in making myself into a cookie cutter image of a youthful, perfect coach. I want you to see and know the reality of my life. I struggle, and I persevere. I’m deeply deeply committed to my passion and my purpose and I know my work on this planet is to help women realize their worth, their power, and their pleasure.
Every road leads to here. Every decision to this moment.
I asked myself the other day, “what did I need when I first started to awaken to my authentic wholeness”?
I needed accessible, approachable, easy to consume experiences. I needed it to be those opportunites that present themselves at the perfect time so there was no hesitation in joining right in. I needed the door to be swung wide open and the invitation offered to step inside.
I needed a safe entry point. Both Wild + Divine and Queen City Yoga/Indian Head Wellness Collective are safe entry points for anyone wanting to explore growth in their lives.
And, what did I need as I continued to move down the path?
I needed to be supported to deepen when I was ready. As you move along the path of awakening your sexuality and yoga - I’m offering you deeper experiences. 1:1 coaching packages or Yoga Teacher Training oppportunites.
The beauty of yoga and sacred sexuality is that it’s never a done journey. It’s always evolving, growing, and there’s always a deepening or a refinement that can happen. The path isn’t linnear, it’s winding, weaving and spiralling along as we grow. I’m not at some end stage enlightenment as I write you this… I’m just on my path and I know my passion is to facilate ease and joy for the seekers like you.
Nothing thrills me more than when I get messages like, “Okay, my curiosity is piqued, what is this Jade Egg about?” or “I think it’s time I start to practice yoga”.
In fact, it’s precisely why I do what I do and why I’m doing it the way I’m doing it, and I can’t wait to see where the next 45 years takes me!
Each day is an opportunity to start again with the wisdom you’ve already got.
What are you afraid of? What feels easy? What do you desire? How can you embrace this one magical, beautiful, epic life of yours?
Come pray with me tonight on a rooftop in downtown Regina. We’ll salute the sun, and dissolve ourselves in music as we celebrate the Solstice and International Yoga Day on Treaty 4 territory.
Then come play with me this Sunday, June 21 on Zoom as I share the foundations of the Jade Egg practice. You’ll learn what the jade egg is, why it’s so cool, how to get one, and how to prepare your body for an energetic sexual practice.
You can find links for both events in the Events listings on this website.
It’s all led up to this moment. What’s your next step?